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FASHION VICTIMS
By PeteG
By PeteG
As a child I was so unfashionable I
confess. I wore all the wrong things at the wrong time and hated having to
deal with ‘new clothes’. I never gave a toss about what my peers wore,
said or did. I was an individual at a very early age and stuck with it for
most of my young life. My clothes came from the ‘catalogue’ because it was
easy for me to shop that way and easier for my mother to pay that way. The
first problem came when whilst looking for a new pair of shoes for school
I opened a page, pointed at some shoes and said to my mother "They’ll do."
She looked at the picture and asked. "Are you sure? They look a bit fancy
for you." I nodded already bored with my shopping experience. They were a
bit fancy with two little leather tassels on them but my thinking was "Who
else is going to think they look good?. No one so I will be the only
person in the school with those shoes." Wrong. What I had just
inadvertently purchased were the latest style in fashion footwear. Not
only that, these predated any of the same shoes in the shops.
Are you a Fashion Victim?
The shoes arrived, I put them on, I
went to school. I lived some considerable way from my school and the bus
journey was of Scottilian proportions but devoid of any other pupils from
my school, therefore quite uneventful. From the bus stop I had a ten
minute walk through town to reach the school, but as I continued and more
and more boys joined the procession towards that seat of learning a
noticed an ever growing mumble from the other lads. By the time I reached
the gates there was quite a following behind me and I was becoming quite
unnerved. Through the gates I turned to confront them. "What’s up with you
lot?" There was a silence and all gathered seemed to be staring at my
shoes unaware of my question. I realised that I had excelled myself in my
choice of footwear and a proud smile beamed from my face. "Oh, the shoes?"
I lifted a foot to show off the ridiculous apparel. "Crass ain’t they?" I
grinned. "Wow, where did you get those loafers?".
The rest of my day was spent in doom
and gloom as I thought of ways of shrugging off my new found position as
fashion guru to the William Rhodes secondary School for boys. "I’ll get
some new ones." I thought. My mother told me I wouldn’t and I had to
endure the old story of Trees, and money not growing on them.
I was far more careful after that and
never bought another thing from a catalogue. Things haven’t changed. My
girlfriend buys my clothes and she knows not to go anywhere near fashion
that hasn’t been dead and gone for at least 30 years. The only time I buy
clothing is when it’s for the bike. That’s different, it’s for the bike,
but the rules remain, nothing trendy. Good quality all black leathers, all
black boots, gloves and tee shirt. You know the look, the only concession
to colour are the silver-grey flashes on my crash helmet and the blood
where I cut myself shaving. The helmet isn’t trendy either, it’s good
quality but discounted heavily since not being made since 1856.
Got the right uniform for that bike?
Now with all this in your memory
consider my ‘odd’ moment. I was at Cadwell and saw a stall there selling
bike boots. "Ah." thought I, "I bet I could get some new boots here quite
cheap." I was wrong about the ‘cheap’ bit but the odd thing is just for a
passing moment whilst looking at these boots I was considering a pair of
trendy ones. Yep, for that weird moment I was considering footwear that
looked like it was designed for Robocop. Fortunately my clinical
thriftiness prevented me from making the same mistake as in my schooldays.
It got me thinking though about biker
fashion in general, after all I had never seen a bloke with one-peice
coloured, humpback leathers, white Oxtair boots and the latest Shark
helmet turn up on a Harley, just as hairy arsed, hairy faced, tattoo
covered moving mountain man hardly ever arrives on a KH250. So one
Wednesday afternoon I jumped on the bike and went down to the local bike
meet. I parked up and sat on a grassy knoll next to a bloke with a sniper
rifle and watched the collective come and go and studied their apparel. I
was quite surprised at what I saw. I expected a certain amount of fashion
of sorts, you know, basic stuff but what I was surprised about was the
easy distinction. I played a game and a good game it is. I would watch as
a bloke or a girl, with helmet in hand goes to find their bike in the
throng parked up with all the others. Then, before they reach their
machine, guess which one they will go to. It’s so easy. The old chap with
white beard, glasses and Belstaff jacket always goes to the 1965 BSA
Thunderbolt. The Girl with pink fluffy ears on her helmet and a pink sheep
strapped to her back climbs on the Virago 535 and the tall geeza with the
one piece red and white Alpinstars leather jumps on the 1098 Ducati.
One that threw me was the chap in flip
flops with a small child on each arm, it was a toss up between the BMW
trike or the old Honda 90. It was neither, it seemed they arrived in a
green Ford Escort and just stopped for an ice cream.
 
Lots of stuff to buy.
The main point as a fashion statement I
was seeing was that every biker type has their own fashion, in some cases
and rather dispiritingly they wear a uniform. This all seems odd
from a group of people who are supposed to value freedom and individualism.
It is the case, or at least it seemed
to me that fashion is dictated by the bike we ride. Everyone on a trike
(the proper ones not the Honda, BMW factory jobs) looks exactly the same,
the same hair, the same clothing, the same beard, the same tattoos. It’s
the same with the Streetfighter bunch. Combat trousers and a fleece seem
particularly important and of course sports bike riders seemingly need to
spend the best part of a grand on the skins of several large animals.
Names seem to be important too, labels
are everything just like in the mainstream world, but for the life of me I
have to wonder about this oddball fashion of wearing a baggy jumper over
the leathers. I’ll say no more about that particular perversion.
Did you expect him to be wearing Rossi leathers?
Some people take it to extremes of
course and other don’t particularly get involved at all but in the main
the sense of fashion seems to be alive and kicking in the biker world.
I suppose it’s not all that much of a
surprise really as most bikers keep their treasured bike for just a year
or so before moving it on and buying the latest, trendiest version keeping
the finance companies, the bike manufacturers, the dealers and me very
happy. The latter because it makes the second-hand, if slightly untrendy
bikes much cheaper. With every new bike there seems to be a need for new
kit to go with it too.
"I can’t wear that, it’s red and my new
bike is blue." Yeah the girl friend tried that one too, bought a red bike
so she needed a red helmet to match, and HANDBAG? It’s easy for me, black
goes with everything, but it makes me untrendy. I like that though.
Another odd thing about biker trends
are the accessories. Micro indicators, under trays, double bubble screens
and after-market cans, yes true some of this kit is useful and does a job but Knee Sliders?
Yes they protect your knees and your
leathers when you are so far over the only thing you can see in your
mirrors is grass but the next time you are down at your local bike meet
just have a look how many of those little patella add-ons are actually
scratched. But loads of riders will have them just so they look
'right'. And those bum bags, they look stupid and what the hell is
so important to take with you on a bike you can’t fit it into your
leathers or under the seat?
See, knee sliders have their uses.
I suppose there is a lot of showiness
to bikers, why do we love massing together at local meets if it isn’t to
show off a little. It’s good fun and communal which has to be good for
biking and humanity but trends leave me cold, although I did start a trend
myself a couple of years ago. Me and a couple of mates went touring
through Somerset, Devon and Dorset and when finding ourselves on a beach
in Weymouth on a hot summers day I threw off my leathers to reveal a tee
shirt and shorts to soak up some rays. The beach was pebbly so the old
bike boots stayed on. At the time I suggested we should all do the same
and start a new trend. Several weeks later I was in a pub just outside
Louth when lo and behold in walks a chap in tee shirt and shorts wearing
bike boots, and I swear this is true, he did not arrive on a bike.
Thank God for individuals.
So there you have it. I started a trend
that travelled from Weymouth to Louth quicker than a sparrows
heartbeat. But don’t go thinking you can be oh so trendy just by
following suit ‘cos that trend is old news now. It’s socks on your hands
this year and a paper plate glued to the back of your helmet. Try it, see
if it catches on.
Copyright of the author. © 2007
Tricky Imp Productions
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